Redirect script for those of us who've been through The Incident™

[wbnns]

Summary

Typing "simpleanal" into browser bar without autocomplete when DuckDuckGo is default search engine has ended three careers. Let's make it four... wait, no, let me open this issue.

Current Behavior

Brain: "Type simpleanal into browser bar for analytics"
Fingers: "Got it boss"
Enter key: "LEEEEROY JENKINS"
DuckDuckGo: "Showing results for... oh my"
IT Security: "We need to talk about your search history"

Expected Behavior

• Navigate to Simple Analytics
• Maintain employment
• Look spouse in the eye at dinner

Root Cause Analysis

1. "Simple Analytics" is too many characters
2. I am lazy
3. The internet is a dark place
4. Tab key is apparently optional (it's not)

Reproduction Steps

1. Open browser during important presentation
2. Confidently type "simpleanal"
3. Hit Enter with the force of someone who knows where they're going
4. Watch career flash before eyes
5. Alt+F4
6. Update LinkedIn

Proposed Solutions

Option A: The Hosts File

# /etc/hosts (or C:\Windows\System32\drivers\etc\hosts)
127.0.0.1 simpleanal

# Run a tiny redirect server
sudo node -e "require('http').createServer((req,res)=>{
  res.writeHead(301,{'Location':'https://simpleanalytics.com'});
  res.end();
}).listen(80)"

Option B: The Nuclear Option

// If user types "simpleanal"
if (query === "simpleanal") {
  alert("NO NO NO NO NO");
  window.location = "https://simpleanalytics.com";
  browser.history.delete(everything);
  user.memory.wipe(last_30_seconds);
}

Option C: The Gaslight

// Redirect so fast they question reality
if (query === "simpleanal") {
  window.location = "analytics.dashboard";
  console.log("Nothing happened. You saw nothing.");
  document.title = "You were always looking at analytics";
}

Definition of Done

• Can type "simpleanal" into DuckDuckGo without consequences
• IT stops snickering when I walk by
• Wife believes it was "just analytics"

Test Cases

• ✅ Works when boss is watching
• ✅ Works during screen share
• ✅ Works at family computer

[adriaandotcom]

Issue of the year!! 😂